Our final assignment for my Catholic studies class was to right our own encounter like the ones in C.S. Lewis' The Great Divorce. I really enjoyed it. So here it is:
My bare and ruddy feet toddled across the sharp blades of grass. The hue of the grass was such a marvelous, deep, “grassy” green. How better can I describe it? Everything was so much more of what it was supposed to be than I am used to. My eyes drank in the glorious colors. Even the browns and blacks were richer and more beautiful than anything that I had ever seen.
I saw a squat rock up ahead, hiding behind a broad, leafy tree. It would be a perfect perch to rest my sore feet. I plopped myself on the rock, and the two bones in my back end grated harshly with the absolute firmness of the rock. It was uncomfortable, but less so than continuing to torture my toes. I had just adjusted my weight and lifted up a foot to rub, when I noticed a small, pale spirit picking her way through the grass. She did not even notice me as she was busily chattering to herself about some problem or another. She was an older women, but still beautiful in a motherly way. I assumed she was a mother because she seemed so worried; her brow was furrowed, and she was wringing her hands, even occasionally biting a nail.
“Roberta!”, a strong, loving voice called out.
She stopped in her tracks and in her worrying, and for a moment looked shocked. Obviously a bright spirit from his rich tone of voice, the owner of the voice came into view. He was tall and handsome and overjoyed to see her. She looked at him in shock, and then recognition poured over her face. For a moment, intense happiness lit up her countenance, and then it melted away as quickly as it had appeared.
“Philip? Is that you?” she asked warily.
“Yes, yes, it is me! I am so glad that you remembered! I had missed you for many years, Roberta.“
“And I missed you”, she replied automatically as if unable to commit to her answer. She began again after mustering more courage and certainty, “I really did miss you! I tried so hard to make it work between us, but it just wasn’t meant to be. I was too immature. We would have been so unhappy. I couldn’t do that to you! I loved you too much. I wanted everything to be perfect for us, and I knew that I would never be good enough. I would never be up to par. You would be discontent, and I would be frustrated. I had to refuse. I did. I did. Didn’t I?”
“Listen to yourself, dear. You don’t even trust yourself, much less Him who made you.”
“I do though. I trusted enough to not choose you, whom I loved. I trusted that God would take care of me. I trusted that it was for the best.”
“No, dear, you didn’t. You took care of yourself. You sheltered yourself from any possible harm. You protected your soul from the pain of loving other people. You denied my proposal twice because you were too scared to commit to a life of self-gift, despite the knowledge that I was willing to do the same. You did not take the higher path. You took the path of the cattle, herded by fear of a dog. I know you, my dear. I saw it in you that you earnestly wanted to love me with all your heart, but there was something in you that could not be crossed. There was some extraordinary, irrational fear that would not release you. I tried for so long to free you of your fear of uncertainty. You only trusted your own reason, no one else’s. You became preoccupied with finding answers within yourself, when the only true answers could only come from God. You trusted only reason and not love. You did not trust the love of God.”
“I did trust, I did, I tried so hard to trust. I was so afraid of the uncertainty of life and of loving more people that could die or hurt me. I did not want to bare my soul for a husband or a family. You’re right,” she trailed off, “I did not trust.”
She began crying softly. The bright spirit looked at her with such a love that I felt as if I was becoming thicker myself. As she continued to cry softly, I noticed a strange wiggle under her cloak. I had never noticed before, but she was carrying a baby. The baby was different from her though. Although still quite transparent, it was brighter, more substantial, and more real than the woman who held it. The face was small and sweet, and still held onto the newborn wrinkles tightly. The infant's skin was flushed as if it had been born the same day. Its fists were clenched and her legs were drawn up close to her body, reminiscent of its position in the womb. I could tell that the child was still so young that it was not accustomed to the shock of the world. And as Roberta continued to cry, the baby slowly began losing its transparency.
“May I have the baby?”asked Philip.
“What baby?” she replied startled. She had not noticed that the baby had become brighter and more noticeable while she had been crying. She tried to shield it under her cloak, but the faint cloak did nothing to hide the baby.
“May I have the baby?”
“No, no.” she shook her head. “I need her. She is my life. She keeps me going. She gives me something to think about when I am home. She lets me care for her. I love her. I couldn't give her up. I need to protect her.”
“Protect her from me? I will not harm her. You must trust her to me.”
The woman retaliated more firmly, “I cannot. She is mine. She needs me. Only me. She is fragile and does not know what is good for her. Only I know. She's just a baby.” As she was saying this, the brightness of the child diminished subtly.
“If you give the child to me, she will enjoy all that this land has to offer. Look around you. Look at the beauty she could enjoy. Look at what I can offer her. See the rays of light pouring out from behind that mountain. That is what she is destined for. Do not hold her back.”
Roberta began to softly weep again. The baby grew more and more radiant with each falling tear. This time, I noticed that as the baby grew brighter, Roberta became even more transparent.
She raised her head to speak again. I wondered how she was even carrying that child. It must surely be heavier. Her faded arms tightly gripped the robust body of the infant.
“Philip, I do want her to have everything that she is destined for, but I am so afraid to let her go! I am so afraid of the uncertainty. Will she be alright? Will she be happy?”
“Just entrust all your worries to Him. Trust Him with her. He will always love her and help her to do what is best.”
All of the sudden, Roberta mustered all of her failing strength. She plucked herself from the child and raised the child towards the bright spirit. With a beautiful smile Philip took the child from her. Roberta's faint body became vapor and returned to nothingness. The infant became more and more robust and substantial. I saw the years pass through the child's body. Her curled legs lengthened and became strong and long. Her clenched fists grew into beautiful womanly hands. Her wrinkled face became the face of a lovely woman in her prime of life. Only her eyes remained the same. They maintained the wise and innocent look of the child that she had once been. And then I noticed that this woman was the woman that had disappeared. She was many time more beautiful than that woman however.
Philip gazed on this occurrence in wonder and said, “Roberta, you are so beautiful without the shackles of fear strangling your soul.”
She turned to him and reached out her hand. They headed towards the mountaintop in the distance.
